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A Bloke finds out his wife is spending a fortune on expensive cream to rub on her tits to make them bigger - He tells her
this is a complete waste of time and says that all she needs to do is rub a piece of toilet paper up and down in the gap between
them twice a day and that after a while here tits will be absolutely gigantic!
She seems a little surprised to hear this and asks him '' Are you sure it will work'' - To which he replies ''Well it bloody
well worked on your arse didn't it?''
BERNIE
Subject: Ferrari Redundancies
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired
their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision
to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was
brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were
able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do
it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.
Tony Blair went on record as saying
this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost
in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari
may have got more than they bargained for..... At the crew's first practice
session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of David
Coulthard's bird in the shower.......
Barry Ingram
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has
gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decidesto ask God for help.
She begins to
pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose myhouse as well.
Please
let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win
the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has
no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My
children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the
lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open. The
blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
John
Binczyk
Two old men, Sid and Herbert, are sitting
on a park bench talking about heaven.
"Do you reckon they have rugby in heaven" Sid asks, "Dunno" replies Herbert
"First one there can find out and we'll promise to come back and tell the other one".
They agree on this and some
weeks later Herbert dies.
A few months on, Sid is sitting on the park bench where he hears a ghostly noise "Siiiiid,
Siiiiid, Siiiiid" "Is that you Herbert?" Sid asks. "Yes Siiiid" Herbert replies "I have goood news and some baaad news".
Sid
says "Is there rugby in heaven Herbert?" "Yes Siiiid that's the goood news".
"Whats
the bad news" Sid asks. "You're playing next Saturday" replies Herbert.
John Binczyk again
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally,
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers
Denver
A few observations made by Barry Ingram!!
30 reasons why men have two dogs and not 2 wives!
1. The later you are, the more excited
they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing
with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs
don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same
all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot
of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise
your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather
than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're
ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog
will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask,
"if I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can
stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in
the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar
on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new
car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they
don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on
running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their
lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it
put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup
truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, Last but not least:
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
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A husband and wife were having
dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the
hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've
had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will
mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus
in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with
a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours
is prettier," she replies. 
Regards
John Binczyk
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest for a moment or two. He shook his head
sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm
sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around
and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took
it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird
from beak to tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then he turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Bob
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An Englishman is having a quiet drink in a Sydney Bar. He leans over to the big guy next to
him and says, "Do you wanna hear an Aussie joke?" The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke you should know
something: I'm six feet tall, 105kgs and I'm a Wallaby forward. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115kgs and he's
an ex-Wallaby. Next to him is a bloke who is 6"5, weighs 120 kgs and he's a current Wallaby second-rower. Now, do you still
want to tell that Aussie joke?" The Englishman says, "Nah..... not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
Denver |
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